Oh, God.

God. Who is God? Or what is God? The eternal question, is there even something such as a God? God, supposedly the Almighty, is an age-old belief, a blind faith, in our hearts. Don’t ask me where this belief came from. I wouldn’t know – nobody knows for sure, for that matter – where it came from. Some people believe God exists. Well, there’s the believers, the agnostics (confused), and the atheists (non-believers). Actually, most of us are hypocrites *WINK, WINK* We all say “I don’t believe in God”, and then visit mandirs and gurudwaras, and pray, hoping that some good will come of it.

God – whatever, or whoever it is – has all the power, supposedly. Everything we are, everything around us is His giving, He DEFINES us. He’s creative, seems to so enjoy complicating people’s lives, and makes sure there’s all the masala to go with anything you do. Let’s be fair, though, there is the fair share of niceties too.

Apparently, all the manuscripts – our rulebooks – say we need to “prove ourselves unto Him”. Hence, each one’s quota of drama. And if he has so much power, then why doesn’t he just “come forth” and end the whole confusion of his existence? If he has so much power, if the world really is His playing-field, then where is the problem? Why all the suffering, all the pain, the negativity, weakness, injustice, angst? Shouldn’t the obvious choice be to keep things simple? To make things easy, right, fair for all? If he is the Almighty, mustn’t He have known, planned, what was going to come? I’m not taking a stand against Him or for Him. I’m not saying to believe in His being, that isn’t my prerogative. And I’m not saying He, or She, or It, doesn’t exist. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions. Everyone has a right to believe in what they want. I’m just thinking out loud. I’m wondering. I’m ASKING, not QUESTIONING. Searching for answers. I want to know.

The definition of God:

“God is a deity in theistic and deistic religions and other belief systems, representing either the sole deity in monotheism, or a principal deity in polytheism.”

[P.s.: "Theism is the broadest sense is the belief in at least one deity."

          "Deism is a religious and philosophical belief that a supreme being created the universe, and that this can be determined using reason and observation of the natural world alone, without the need for either faith or organized religion."]

Thank you, Wikipedia. ;)

Belief, belief, belief. NOWHERE does it say that GOD exists. Then where did all this belief come from. Are we too afraid to “believe”, that WE make our lives? That WE influence them? That WE are the reasons behind everything? Is this belief in an Almighty, an escapist’s scheme? To say,” Que sera sera, whatever will be, will be”? Is it just an IDEOLOGY, stemming from a moment of cowardice, when man couldn’t blame himself? Or maybe when he finally couldn’t embrace the fact that he was everything - the reason, the means, and the end?

Do you remember the time when you really wanted something? And then you prayed to God, and actually got it? And then said “Thank you God, Thank you God.”?  Maybe your parents heard you through the door. Think about it.

Every Day, Friendship Day

Well, Sunday was Friendship Day, and I’ve always celebrated it just like everybody else – host a lunch, or go out somewhere and “PARTAYY”. This year too, I did the same, only this year I wasn’t celebrating just the one day. The last few months have been, without doubt, the hardest of my life so far.

But it is in times like these that your eyes truly open to your surroundings, to what your life really is, or has been, and you learn  to value what you’ve got, even what you haven’t.  I’ve still got some time to pull, but there’s a reason I’m writing this.

I’d like all my friends, all those who have been right there for me, who have seen whatever it is I’ve been going through, and chosen to jam that extra shoulder in, hold me up in a time when I couldn’t have made it through without – to know that this time, it wasn’t just about the one day. This time round, I’ve celebrated a consistently gobsmacking show of solidarity from all my friends.

If I couldn’t get out of bed, you didn’t hesitate to spend every alternate evening, coming home to keep me company. If I couldn’t talk, you sat there with me, and didn’t say anything, but you sat there. I’ve had so much time on my hands and not known what to do with it, and you’ve given me inspiration to wage a battle, to not sit back and give in to boredom, pain.

I’ve grumbled endlessly, going on and on, only ever mindful of my troubles, and you’ve always had an ear for it. If I’ve not looked or been normal, I was told it didn’t matter and that I would pay dearly if I let it bother me. I’ve hardly ever felt out of place, a result the constant affection and understanding I’ve been granted – all despite however I’ve looked, felt or behaved.

To sum it up, I’m here, happy, alive and kicking, and there’s a reason for it.

I’m grateful for all my friends and just want to say:

THANK YOU.

60 mgs of heartache

The prescription pad reads:

60mgs heartache 1-0-1
40mgs sore ass 1-0-1
30mgs frustration 1-1-1
75mgs pure suffering 1-1-1
DIGENE

They tell me, "There's a light at the end of the tunnel, boy, look!".
And I throw my swollen head back, and laugh heartily. Coz what they
don't know, is that what's on that pad is also a sure shot recipe for
blurred vision. It's true.

I think I've finally figured why faith and belief, patience and hope
are always associated with candles. To start with, when you light a
candle, you have to drop the wax and stick it in the ground. And then,
the flame. Darned thing keeps going out, doesn't it? They're hard
virtues to come by. Even harder to hold on to. It's true.

Darkness does descend. Frustration does reach a height where it fogs
your judgement. It does manage to cloud even the strongest of hearts.
Sometimes, you actually do hope, that when you close your eyes at
night, your "somewhere else" in the morning, and it's all just over.
Murkish, no? Well, it's true.

But life, is relentless. You're caged in, whether you like it or not.
You have to fight another day, every day. I guess you just gotta learn
to find it funny. I'm not there yet. It's true.

Have a Heart

Have you ever just sat in a chair, one leg crossed over the other, having donned the best set of clothes from your wardrobe, a single steaming cup of coffee lying untouched before you, and stared out through the glass window at the rain as it falls so elegantly out of the sky? if you have, you would have noticed the trees swaying, left to right, then back, and again, no say in the matter. And you would have noticed the many crows perched on building terraces, so still its almost creepy, their feathers getting drenched, sticking to their frail bodies. Then maybe you would notice the man scampering across the street, hands folded over his head, helplessly yelling at vehicles flying by, desperately trying to get a hold of SOME public transport to reach his destination on time - and if he's lucky enough - in a somewhat civil condition. 

Each one has his own story to tell. 

Each one has his own battle to fight.

And each one has no choice, no power, no say in what it's going to be. C'est la vie. Such is life.

Thats not to say life is all dirt'n'muck. See, life doesn't have an instruction manual. There's no rule book. It'll hit you where it wants, how it wants, when it wants, and how many ever times it wants. And it may not SEEM fair, But it is. It bloody well is. Most of us just don't have grit to face the truth. And there is only one truth. IF LIFE KNOCKS YOU DOWN, THERE'S ALWAYS, ALWAYS, A WAY TO GET UP. Nobody said it has to be easy, But its there. And aye, it may take another shot at you after that, for all its worth, but there will always be another way up.

Easier said than done, eh? Ask me about it. No, I haven't written six self-help books. Hell, i'm nineteen years old, diagnosed with what many would loosely call "a kidney problem", and a college dropout. So far, so good.

I'll tell you about life. It's not easy sitting at home everyday, knowing fully well that all of your friends WILL be busy morning, afternoon, and evening, because they have college, and classes. 

And they can eat and drink anything they want to, anytime they want, and how much ever they want. 

Knowing that they can party all night, everyday if they want to.

That they don't have to worry about picking up the teeniest bit of a bug from some godforsaken part of the city.

Knowing that i have swollen legs, and I have to put them up on five pillows for atleast three hours everyday, and that if I do go out then a minimum of six people will stare at me as if I'm from another dimension altogether.

To know that my face is also swollen, to add to all the absolute tripe that i'm going through anyway, and SOMEONE is going to laugh because its so darned round.

As if this weren't enough, I also have the added persistent niggle at the back of my mind - "Huh, have i taken my steroids for today?" If i miss it, screwdriver effect.

And if i take it, still screwdriver effect. because steroids have to have side-effects too, haven't they? And you don't, trust me, you don't want to know what they're like.

And then how do we know if i'm recovering or not? Reports! Which means blood and urine samples twice. Prick, prick, prick, hurrah!

WHY ME? BECAUSE MY HORMONES DECIDED TO FOOL AROUND, DARNED WHIMSICAL THINGS. NO FAULT OF MINE, I'M JUST ONE OF THOSE THOUSANDS OF LUCKY DUCKIES (aged 1-25) WHOSE HORMONES RANDOMLY DECIDE TO PLAY WITH OUR LIVES.

But i'll say this, LIFE GAVE ME A HEART, AND MY HEART IS STRONG. YES, I HURT. YES, I COMPLAIN. I HAVE MY DOWN DAYS. BUT MY ONE HEART IS ENOUGH. I WILL FIGHT, AGAIN, AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN. THATS LIFE.